I used to be my own worst enemy, wanting to please everybody, thinking I wasn't enough, feeling very different from everybody around me, more sensitive too. Always setting the bar extremely high for myself, while mostly being too forgiving and loving towards others. I felt like feeling so much was a curse.
The past 20 years life has taught me a few very harsh lessons, nothing I would wish anyone else to go through, but I did learn. I fell down more than once, perhaps even went rock bottom, yet time and time again I crawled up, dusted myself off and continued. Until I was forced to slow down, to let go of my inner ‘control freak’ and follow my intuition again. Something I already automatically did, roaming foreign countries by myself, though still seemed to be an issue at home and certainly in business. I rediscovered myself, my virtues, my passions, my strengths. I studied energies, how to tap into them, how to block them before they would overwhelm me and even take me over. I dug deep into myself, looked my demons in the eye and said I got this.
"Life happens for us, not to us" and we are only given what we can handle and makes us strong. I think this not so common expression is 100% correct and taking responsibility over your life puts you in charge: You promote yourself to be the leader of your life, walking your path, following your purpose. Yes, awful things do happen, believe me, the woman who used to be the protagonist in a bad B-movie, but our perception, will to learn, perseverance and faith is what makes us rise like a phoenix.
A psychiatrist I once visited told me: "Girl, there is nothing wrong with you at all, the only thing I can tell you is that you have an incredible and almost unseen resilience of overcoming whatever happened and happens to you AND that you need to become more selfish." You can imagine my reaction to the latter ... *Say What?!?*
Obviously, that was many years ago, in what now feels like another life. In the meantime, I have learned the true significance of ego, I know that you cannot pour from an empty cup, no matter how much devotion and love you may feel for others, I also have learned that you can only help people who want to help themselves and start taking responsibility from the inside out. I learned about healthy boundaries and embracing confrontation. I am not going to lie, I still struggle from time to time, as we all do, certainly when it comes to asking for help, because I am so used to rely on myself, although I know that the people who love me do not doubt to give me a hand. Lord, even strangers have helped me out without asking, so why is it so difficult to accept it from people close to me in the first place? It is a step by step process but I'm getting there ;-) Worry and doubt are only a huge loss of energy!
There was a time, as a young adult woman, that I easily felt intimidated, thinking I was not good enough or crazy for having that innate rebellious feeling which made it impossible for me to go against my grain, my beliefs. Now, years and many experiences later, I know I have found my way and I will keep fighting to pursue my passions, living freely according to my values & beliefs, helping others to do the same. I have finally discovered my way to leverage trauma.
In the end I learned that it wasn't or isn't me that isn't enough, but that it's my energy. It asks others to rise up, and not everyone is willing to go where they would grow.
Balance is always hard to keep. I even believe it is much more fruitful to pursue harmony instead of balance, like yin and yang need each other to exist as a whole. During a yoga & detox retreat in Jamaica, we talk a few years back, I was taught that it is OK to feel, to show emotion ... that we have to put ourselves first, that we have to keep investing in ourselves in a way that makes us happy and feel alive. Because only when we become our own best version, we can give the best to others.